Recently I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot – specifically that I should start writing one again. I just logged in and looked at the last time I wrote a post – July 13, 2012. Today is July 12, 2013. Crazy.
The most important thing that has happened in a year is…we’re having a baby! Yippee! Our little girl is due December 4. David and I are extremely excited. I’ve always, always, always wanted to have a baby, but David and I agreed when we married that we would wait two years before we started trying for one. And when those two years came, he was as ready as I was! For our second wedding anniversary, he gave me a card and wrote on the inside, “The last two years of just the two of us have been great. For the third, let’s add a third!” I cried, of course, and thanked God for the wonderful man he has given me.
David also supports me in my desire to stay home with our baby. He’s known from when we were dating that it is what I wanted, and he’s always wanted it for me, too. I’ve never been career oriented, I’m not gifted at music or singing or drawing. I enjoy learning but never wanted to earn a higher degree than my bachelor’s. But I know I can be an awesome mom. I can love my child, and provide for her, and be with her and enjoy almost every minute of it (because I’m not naive enough to think every single minute will be pure bliss). Being a mom is my calling in life, and I’m so incredibly thankful and humbled that God has blessed me with the opportunity.
I was 19 weeks on Wednesday, and my pregnancy has gone very well. I wasn’t sick much in my first trimester – I suffered some lack of appetite, food aversions, occasional nausea, but overall I was fine. And even though I often felt like eating nothing, I could eat fresh fruit like nobody’s business, haha. I was mostly just tired, and chasing after 3 children (who weren’t even my own) just made it worse. But I made it through and into the second trimester, regained my energy, and I’ve been doing well!
My biggest struggle during pregnancy has been fear. I am a fearful person. I always have been. David usually tells me when he leaves work, and it takes him at least an hour to get home, if not longer. If it gets late enough in the evening and he hasn’t contacted me, I try calling, texting, and emailing him – and if I don’t hear anything back, I am immediately convinced that he has died somewhere on his way home. Every single time my mind goes to the worst case scenario – despite the fact that I know he’s more likely in a late meeting, left his phone somewhere, or is on the phone with his parents or a friend.
I’m also well known among my family and friends as a neurotic person who spends too much time on WebMD diagnosing my fatal illnesses. So, you can imagine what pregnancy might do to me. Up until I was 12 weeks, I struggled every single day with the thought of miscarriage. I had to fight every single day thoughts of losing my baby. I spent a lot of time repeating to myself, “God is in control. God is in control. God is in control.” After our 11 week ultrasound and getting past the 12 week milestone, it became much easier to relax and banish anxiety from my head.
Yesterday, however, I had a really, really tough day with anxiety. I had accidentally read about second trimester complications earlier in the week – I was just browsing one of the baby books I had, and happened upon the possible complications. And yesterday I was gripped with fear that something was going to happen to my baby. I think it was even worse because I’d seen my healthy, beautiful baby girl on the ultrasound on Monday, so I feel more attached to her than ever. Every pregnancy symptom I had yesterday, was somehow related to a horrible complication (in my head). I knew it was irrational. I did. But I spent most of the day struggling with it.
I don’t think I could handle pregnancy if I wasn’t a Christian. My calmest moments yesterday were when I took a deep breath and prayed to my God and asked him to comfort me, to take my fears away. I repeatedly told myself, “You and your daughter are in the Father’s hands. No matter what happens.” I read devotions and the Psalms. It didn’t make everything go away in an instant, but I knew I wasn’t alone.
Today I am feeling much less anxious and fearful. I am thankful to Jesus for taking away my fears and replacing them with his enduring love and comfort. I know that I will struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life – but I also know that I have a Savior who will gladly bear my burden for me. He enables me to be still, and to know that He is God.
God Is Our Fortress
To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth.[a] A Song.
God is our refuge and strength,
a very present[b] help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
8 Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
11 The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah